Apprehension
by drowninginlove
Summary: What could have happened had Josh not interrupted Castle at the end of Countdown! My first fanfic ever, criticism is welcome! Chapter 5 now posted!
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** So this is my first fanfic, I'm aware that it isn't very good. Please give me as much critique as possible, I want to get better at this!

I don't own Castle, or any of the characters, sadly :(

* * *

"I was thinking…" began Castle.

Beckett's breath caught in her throat. She felt herself blushing, and heat rushing to her cheeks, but she didn't know why. She noticed a spark of some sort in Castle's eyes. She hadn't seen it since their undercover kiss. The thought of the kiss caused the butterflies in her stomach to go bad. Staring back into his eyes, she anxiously waited for the rest of his sentence.

"I was just thinking, maybe…we could go out…as in, grab a bite…I don't want to go home to an empty house…maybe we could go to Remy's?"

God, he was adorable when he was nervous, Kate thought to herself. He was so flustered, and handsome. Castle continued to stare at her, timid with anticipation.

"Yeah, I'd love to."

Castle's face lit up like a little kid on Christmas. Kate found herself beaming back at him, it felt so good to make him happy. Why had he been so nervous? We go out for dinner all the time. Kate was slightly mollified by Castle's apprehension. He extended his arm to her and she grabbed it, while the fangirl in her began to freak out. Three years ago, she never would have expected to ever be linking arms with Richard freaking Castle. Things like this were reserved for past fantasies, when Castle wasn't a nine year old on a sugar rush, but when he was Richard Castle, the famous author who helped her through her mother's death. She continued to muse about the development of her and Castle's friendship while they rode down the elevator in comfortable silence.

Yes, he was always good looking, in a ruggedly handsome way. But he had been irritating, and arrogant.

The man she met three years ago was not the same man as the one on her arm. The man beside her was her partner, her best friend, her keeper of secrets. She had been so ready to tell him she loved him before the summer. But then ex-wife number 2 had to enter the picture again. Beckett had been broken on the inside; she threw herself into her mother's murder. She got a new boyfriend, Josh, just to try to get over Castle.

As if on cue, her phone began to vibrate. Josh calling, the screen read. Castle looked over her shoulder, and saw his shoulders fall and the spark fly out of his eyes. Beckett felt broken. She impulsively realized she would do anything to make him smile at her again. She hit the ignore button, and slid her phone back into her pocket.

"Kate, did you just do that? Why did you do that?" Rick asked, slightly uncomfortable but trying to hide how pleased he was.

"Honestly Castle, Josh just isn't who I want to talk to right now. He didn't experience almost dying in a freezer, getting exposed to radiation, and almost dying from a dirty bomb. Sure, he would try to understand, but ultimately he wouldn't. I want to be with someone who understands that past two days I've had. We need each other to lean on right now."

Castle smiled warmly at her. "You really are extraordinary Miss Beckett."

Kate's face flushed bright red as she looked down at their arms, still intertwined. She wanted to feel guilty about this, she wanted to feel guilty about this not being Josh, but she couldn't. All she could think about was how right things were at that moment and how she always felt happiest when she was with Castle. "Thanks Castle, I guess you're not that bad…"

"Hey!" Castle playfully hit her arm, and proceeded to hail down a cab. Before she knew it they were at Remy's, ordering the usual. They engaged in small talk, playful banter and the usual flirting while waiting for their food. Staring into her eyes, Castle muttered "Josh doesn't know how lucky he is." Beckett looked up into his eyes, surprised by his unexpected comment. The wonder and awe in his eyes was unmistakable. Kate's heart began to race, and her breathing turned frantic as she stared back. A smile crept up to her face as his piercing blue eyes dove into her soul. Sparks were flying, and the sexual tension was thick enough to be cut with a knife. Neither one looked away, the heat increasing every second. Beckett found herself getting light-headed. How can he do this to me? She wondered exasperatedly. Both dazzling and dazzled, their silent conversation continued, picking up heat and intensity.

"Your food." The water informed them politely, placing 2 plates down in front of them. The connection broke, but heat still coursed through Beckett's veins. Every nerve in her body was electric, craving Castle. It took all her strength and will power to simply stay in her seat and eat her burger. She kept her head down, but felt him watching her. Nervously, she peered through her eyelashes and looked at him. His eyes were apprehensive, but there was something still smoldering beneath the surface. Her breath caught in her throat as Castle inched his face forward across the table. She could feel his breath on her lips, and wanted more than anything for him to close the distance and kiss her. He smirked seductively, and asked "enjoying your burger, Beckett?"

Beckett exhaled sharply. She threw a fry at him, and their evening returned to normal. On more than one occasion she felt the flames of desire licking her skin, craving Castle's touch. She'd push them out of her conscious thought, and would focus on the conversation at hand.

Castle paid for the bill, which was a little out of character. Rather than taking 2 cabs, they shared one. Beckett's house was on the way to Castle's, so she got dropped off first.

Kate was stepping out the cab door, when Castle grabbed her arm. "Kate?"

"Yes Castle?" she asked, her voice sounding uncharacteristically fretful. What had this night done to her?

"Sleep well." He whispered to her.

Castle was about to close the door, but Beckett stopped him.

"Do you want to come upstairs for a bit?"

* * *

All reviews/comments are much appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** So I have fallen in love with writing this. Any spare moment I have I write just a few words down. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

* * *

"Do you want to come upstairs for a bit?"

"Lead the way detective."

Beckett stood there for a minute, stunned by her actions. Did she seriously just invite him into her place? She was confused; this was extremely out of character for her. If she was being honest with herself, she was simply tired of denying how she felt about him. Three long, painful years of holding back, of lying through her teeth. She knew the reason she was in denial. She was scared. Scared that his playboy image was real and scared that they would end up being a one night stand, just another notch on the bed post. Maybe if they had just met then things would be different. But somewhere on their journey through life together she had given him her heart, unbeknownst to the both of them. She had been his since before the summer.

Some nights, when she was lying in Josh's arms, she would imagine she was with Castle. She wanted to feel guilty but it wasn't really cheating, right? She was still with Josh, and nothing had happened with Castle. Unless you were to count the undercover kiss, but that was just a cover. Well, at least the first kiss was. She wasn't ready to consciously admit her feelings to anyone, especially herself or Castle. This was the first time she had thought about things between them in so long. Castle had broken her once before and she couldn't handle the pain again. She wanted desperately for him to be her "one and done" but she was unclear of his intentions.

But after the day they had, and their silent conversation at Remy's, she couldn't hold back any longer. She was going to tell him how she felt, regardless of consequences or repercussions. The nervousness she experienced nearly overwhelmed her.

As if he saw the fear in her eyes, Castle grabbed her hand, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on the back of her hand. She melted inside, and relaxed a little bit. She wasn't ready to listen to what her heart and everyone else had been saying; that he was in love with her. He couldn't be. Him getting back together with Gina had been proof enough of that. However, they were broken up, Castle was single, and the two of them had become increasingly close these past weeks…Kate brushed the thought away. She was comforted just by the fact that he at least cared about her. She enjoyed the quiet elevator ride up, sighing contently as she snuggled into Castle's side.

She opened the door to her apartment, and turned on the lights. There was still papers thrown loosely throughout the place, things that hadn't been cleaned up since the two of them relooked into her mother's murder. She looked into Castle's eyes, and saw that he was remembering too.

"It's a bit messy." She told him apologetically.

"No worries, this is nothing. You should see my office when I'm going through writers block. It's a nightmare." He paused, looking around uncomfortably. "I'm assuming you told Josh about all this now?"

"Actually no," responded Beckett, feeling more comfortable, "He never really asked about the mess, and I never told. It's not like him and I have seen much of each other anyways…" Beckett trailed off as she realized yet again how much more Castle was in her life than Josh.

She smiled up at him, and tried to get him to relax. "So Mr. Castle, it's your choice tonight. Which movie?"

Castle grinned up at her, and began looking through the stack of movies, looking for the stupidest one he could find.

As the end credits began to roll, Kate stretched herself out. Some time through the movie she had found herself cuddled up against Castle under a blanket. She began smiling giddily at the fact, it was just so comfortable. Castle was lazily dragging his fingers across the bare skin on her arm, causing her eyes to roll back slightly into her head. "What did you think?" she asked him uncertainly, trying to control the tremble in her voice.

"Oh, I think it's safe to say that was the worst movie I've ever seen." Castle said contently.

"Agreed." Beckett replied, grinning. They had decided upon _Dinner For Shmucks_. She lost interest about 5 minutes into the movie, but Castle's hilarious comments kept her interested the entire time. "Mmm…" she sighed, cuddling in closer to him. His entire body stiffened beneath her. She froze, and disentangled herself from him. She could feel the hurt portrayed plainly across her face as she peered into his eyes. "Did I do something wrong?" she questioned.

"No, not at all." Began Castle, his eyes warming slightly. "You're driving my crazy. This night has been like something out of a story, absolutely perfect. It's just…" he trailed off.

"Just what?" pressed Beckett anxiously.

"Look Kate, you're with Josh. And mostly I'm just happy that you're happy. But it kills me too much to watch you be with another guy. I can't shadow you anymore. My research is long since done, and you have to be getting sick of me now. I'll always be your friend, but I don't want to get in the way anymore of you and your boyfriend. Your heart belongs to someone else, and I don't want to be bleeding on the sidelines anymore." He kissed the top of her forehead. "Take care of yourself, KB."

He tried to get up, but Beckett grabbed his arms and kept him rooted in place. She felt sick; her head was spinning and her stomach wanted to throw up all of its contents. All purpose in her life just suddenly left. She felt empty. Her eyes were burning with tears and she feverishly blinked them away.

"Kate?" asked Rick in a loving, concerned way. He put his finger under her chin, coaxing it up so he could look into her chocolate brown eyes. The hurt in them was plain. "What's wrong Kate?"

"Damnit Castle, would you just stop breaking me?" she exclaimed, exasperated.

"Kate that was never my intention. If things were ideal, I would be on one knee, confessing how I've been in love with you for years. I would be telling you how happy you make me every day just by being you. But you can't reciprocate, and I don't want to cause you guilt or anguish by being a burden of feelings."

Kate stared up at him. There was no mistake in his eyes, no sign of deceit or dishonesty. He had just told her that he loved her. He wanted to be with her, not just as a one night stand. She had so many things to say but all she could do was sit there staring at him with her mouth gaping open.

"Say something Beckett, please." Castle's tone brought her back to the present.

"You need to leave…"

"I'm sorry, what?" Castle asked rudely.

"Castle, please, just go home." Beckett sighed.

"Fine, you know what, just fine. Have a nice life Beckett, see you around."

Castle stormed out the door, leaving Beckett alone with her tears and the consequences of loving him pressing down on her chest.

* * *

**AN: **Alright, so don't hate me, I promise I'll bring this around. I just need to set things up properly. I realized it would be to OOC for Beckett to hook up with Castle without her breaking up with Josh first. Bam, how's that for a spoiler, not like you didn't see it coming.

Chapter 3 will be updated soon! :)


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: **Here's just a short little chapter from Castle's POV. Its extremely lame, and I apologize. I wanted to try out his character a little bit. I realized he was too hard to write as. Proof of my fail as a writer.

I'll attempt to write another chapter either tonight or tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who's favourited/reviewed. You guys rock :)

Unfortunately, I don't own Castle.

* * *

He was mangled. No, beyond that. He was destroyed. Tears were spilling out of his eyes, their heat falling down his cheeks onto his shirt. He didn't care. He let out a low sob of pure agony as he realized just how pathetic he really was.

Crying over Kate Beckett. Crying because he loved her and crying because she didn't love him back. He was a fool for thinking that she would choose him over Doctor Motorcycle Boy. True, Castle was always there for her, he had her back, _always, _and he would quite literally take a bullet for her. But no, she wanted Josh, the life saving doctor. He was handsome and successful, every woman's dream. He didn't expect Beckett to be so shallow, to go for the obvious choice.

What a misjudgment on his part. He hadn't expected things to end this way. Just…things had been different lately, especially today.

Their moment at Remy's was nothing short of Earth-shattering. Something grew, or changed inside of him. Before today he thought that his mother and his daughter were everything he needed. They were enough for him to be happy. It was no longer the case. It was Kate who now held him to this Earth. He wanted to work the rest of his life towards making her his forever. He thought that he noticed some change in her tonight as well, but it was obviously just his overactive imagination. Who was he kidding?

There was no way in Hell that Beckett was going to him. He was nothing more than a friend and an annoying sidekick. Castle never felt so horrible in his entire life. He thought he hit rock bottom when Kyra and him broke up, but that was nothing compared to the suffocating emptiness that threatened to consume him now. It was like a weight pressing down on his chest, pulling him under into the deeps murky waters of depression.

He had been so _sure _when he was telling her how he felt. He only said it as a last-ditch effort. If anything was going to make her love him back, it would have been that. Castle chuckled darkly without humor. Of course it didn't work. Nothing he did was ever enough for Kate. He gasped, as if he was physically wounded by thinking about her name. He felt tears brimming on the edges of his eyes.

Castle closed his eyes, hoping that the tears wouldn't spill. But he saw _her_. He saw her smile, heard her laughter, smelled cherries, and felt her soft skin beneath his fingers.

He was going mad. He stepped outside, and realized it was raining. _Perfect_. A perfect ending to a positively perfect day. He hailed a cab, thinking that if he was lucky, a car would hit him on his way home. He was willing to give anything to escape the pain and the crushing realization that Kate Beckett didn't love him.

* * *

**AN: **don't hate me! I'll try to post chapter 4 soon!


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: **So sorry for the delay! I've spent the past 2 days rewatching the first and second seasons! They're so good!

Anyways, here's the next chapter, its a little bit of a filler, but the next one will have more content! Leave a review and lemme know what you think!

Disclaimer: I don't own Castle, or any of its characters.

* * *

Kate sat there, stunned. What the hell had just happened? She wondered out loud. Castle had _never _stormed out like that. He had _never _been that upset.

What did she do? She replayed the conversation over and over in her head.

Suddenly, it hit her.

In her panic and worry, she completely forgot to tell Castle why she needed him to leave. _Shit._ It wasn't the time to go back and make amends. Before Kate could take things any further with Castle, there was one more loose end that needed to be tied up.

Pressing speed dial number 4, she patiently waited as the phone rang.

"Hello?" a groggy voice answered.

"Hi Josh, its Kate." She replied "I'm sorry it's so late, but we really need to talk."

20 minutes later, Beckett found herself lying on the couch, feeling more emotionally exhausted than she ever had before. _That was hard._ She realized it was completely unfair to break up with Josh. He was perfect, in so many ways. She loved him, but when it came right down to it she wasn't _in love_ with him. Since they met, there had only been one option: Castle.

Despite the nearly overwhelming urges she had felt that night, it wouldn't be fair to herself, Castle or Josh if she let things go any further. Josh had sounded upset, with good reason. To him, this break up would have come from nowhere. In his eyes, their relationship had been going fine. He had no idea of the conflict she had faced every day while trying to balance their relationship and her friendship with Castle.

Beckett sat there, and realized that she had no regrets. Breaking up with Josh was the right thing, and she would be able to tell Castle how she felt without feeling guilty. SHIT! Castle currently hated her, out of her sheer moment of stupidity.

Grabbing her phone, she pressed speed dial number 2. Straight to voicemail. This is not good, she thought to herself. She called 3 more times. Every single time she got his familiar voice message. Desperate to talk to him, she called up Alexis. However, on the first ring, she realized it was after 1 in the morning. She knew Alexis wouldn't mind, but she would feel bad for disturbing the entire Castle family. She hung up hurriedly. She grabbed her jacket and keys, and before she knew it she was hailing a cab.

She knew Castle better than anyone else, and if there was one place she was going to find him, it would be at the Old Haunt. Giving the cab driver the familiar address, she sat back in the seat and closed her eyes.

Castle's hurt, agonized face instantly came into her mind. His eyes nearly overflowing with tears of utmost sorrow, his mouth slightly open in shock. Kate felt herself crumbling on the inside as she realized the sheer magnitude of pain she must have caused him. Cursing at herself internally, she began to plan how she would phrase her apology.

"Hey Castle, I'm sorry I was so rude in the apartment. I needed to break up with Josh before we could fool around" sounded a little too stupid. "Truth is I've been in love with you for years but I was too scared to tell you" sounds too desperate.

She came up with thousands of different ways to tell him how much he meant to her. But this was one of those situations where there were no words. She wished she was a writer, like Castle. He never seemed to be at a loss for the right word, unless Kate had done something "extraordinary". She smiled to herself as she thought about the times she had rendered him speechless.

Damn, she had it _bad _for Castle. How had she not realized this before! Why didn't she listen to everyone when they told her how obvious it was?

Cursing every lost opportunity, she thought back to the summer. Tom Demming, the man she thought as perfect, ultimately ruined this. No, it wasn't fair to blame it on Demming, it was her fault.

She was with Demming for convenience. He was no Castle, but he was kind, and attractive, and a good safe option for a boyfriend. After the Captain's words following Castle's final case, she realized that she needed to tell him. She wanted to go to the Hamptons with him. She wanted things to happen.

But of course, fate didn't want it to happen. She broke things off with Tom; she couldn't even give him a legitimate reason. Asking Castle, out in to the hall, she was ready to expose her heart to him, something she had never done before. She was scared shitless, but he was worth it.

Thankfully, Gina walked in before she could embarrass herself. Castle didn't love her. She was just another conquest. He realized that he couldn't get her, so he moved on, back to ex-wife 2.

Flashing back to the present, Kate was shocked to find tears in her eyes. She was so weak when it came to all things concerning Rick Castle. The cabbie pulled up the Old Haunt, and Kate stepped out into the cool night air. The breeze invigorated her, and gave her the confidence to put one foot in front of the other.

She marched down the steps, through the doors, and walked over to the table where she knew he'd be. Sitting down, she smiled timidly at him.

"Hi Rick, can we talk?"


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: **Hey guys, really sorry about the delay! I had family in town and couldn't find the time to write more. Here's the latest chapter. It isn't the strongest, but I hope you guys like it!

* * *

"Hi Rick, can we talk?"

Castle's eyes came up to meet hers. She gasped aloud as she saw the haunting look in them. He looked absolutely horrible. She had only seen him a few hours ago, what had he been doing since then? Oh god, Kate thought, this is my fault. She was assaulted by the realization that this was her doing. The man she loved was dying inside because of her stupidity. She wanted to kick herself. How had she not seen it before? Castle had loved her, all this time, and she was too busy living in denial to realize. All those moments could have transpired into something had she not been so stupid. She wanted to kick herself, hard. She had spent so long searching for the right man. Meanwhile, he had been right in front of her for three freaking years. Her inner monologue was interrupted by Castle responding to her frantic question.

"Sure, Kate. I suppose." He smiled back at her, but it didn't reach his eyes. All there was in them was sadness. Kate's stomach dropped, she wanted to make the pain go away, more than anything.

"Listen Rick, I really need to clarify what happened tonight."

"I'm listening."

Kate took a deep breath. Whether she was ready for this or not, Castle needed to hear how she felt. "I was falling head over heels for you earlier tonight. I don't know what caused you to say that you were done shadowing me. That doesn't matter right now. You are my one and done, Castle. You have been since the first day you started shadowing. I started falling for you that day. You used to just be an annoying little kid who pulled my pigtails and make me remember why I never wanted to have kids. But you're not that little boy anymore. You're Rick Castle, the man. My partner in crime solving, my best friend, and the love of my life. I'm sorry for being so cliché, not all of us are best selling crime novelists." She paused, and smiled up at him. The hurt in his eyes had been replaced by something similar to wonder. Kate felt something swelling in her chest, and she continued on.

"I was ready to take the plunge with you, to jump off the deep end tonight. But it wouldn't be fair to anyone if I did that without tying up loose ends. So, I broke up with Josh." She looked at Castle's to see them light up. He was about to say something, but she interrupted him. She needed to finish justifying her actions. She wanted to make it all better.

"If I'm going to be honest, he was never what I wanted. It's just, after the summer I needed something to get over you. Josh seemed like a viable option, so I took it. He was always just a backup. It wasn't fair to him, but the one thing I really wanted was busy with someone else…" Castle's sheepish grin caused Kate to falter, her words slowing down until she stopped talking all together.

"I never expected you Kate, of all people, to be so naïve."

Kate's confusion was clearly marked on her face. "What are you talking about?"

Castle's eyes warmed up as he stared at her knowingly. "Gina was the last resort I had. I never believed in 1000 years that you would ever agree to go to the Hamptons with me. So I took Gina because I had no one else to go with. And being the stupid idiot I am, I never let you finish what you were saying. Not like I expected you to when Gina walk in. That woman scares me to death!" Castle's laughter seemed to sparkle through the air, leaving some of the magic behind even after he had stopped laughing.

"Of course, by the time I had found out you had broken things off with Demming it was too late. I don't know if you understand how jealous I was of him. Of course, it was plenty worse with Josh.

"Kate, you really have no idea of the power you have over me. I don't think it's healthy. I'm not the same man I was three years ago, it's obvious to you and me. When I first met Josh, I was seriously shocked by how jealous I was. I felt a mix of wanting to punch him in the face and wanting to lock myself in my office and cry."

Beckett felt her face flush as she realized how dumb she had been to even try to make things with Josh work in the first place.

"But now?" She pushed.

"But now, I'm elated. This whole evening consisted of me blaming myself for every lost opportunity. A lot of self deprecation went on. But even just having you here, beside me, makes things better."

"Wow Castle, for a writer, you sure can be cliché. I didn't expect it from you." She grinned childishly at him, to show that she was kidding.

"Touché, detective, touché. Now, I believe we had a lovely evening that got cut short. If you'd accept my offer, I'd love it if we picked up where we left off."

Beckett felt herself grinning like a stupid teenager. He really was such a goofball, a handsome, loveable goofball. Standing up, she extended him her hand. With a smile that was nothing short of breathtaking, he grabbed her hand.

They stood up, exiting the familiar bar. As Kate's hand was on the door, Castle grabbed her by the waist, and pulled her into a tight hug. "I missed you, KB." He whispered into her ear. Kate melted into him, and she pulled herself into him. Pressing her head onto his chest, she listened to the sound of his heart beat, pounding fast and strong.

"I missed you too Castle. Even though you were gone less than a few hours, I missed you."

Sighing contently, she pulled away. "Come on, let's head home."

"I like the way that sounds." Castle replied, smiling down at her.

She knew that he was expecting her to make a mean or sarcastic comment. She decided to surprise him with honesty. "I like the way it sounds too."

They got into the cab, and their conversations on the way to her place were filled with the usual banter and flirtation. Their hands lay intertwined on the seats. Kate didn't know where this evening was going to take them, but she knew that the man holding her hand was her one and done. The butterflies in her stomach fluttered out of control, as Castle's head bent down to hers. His lips brushed across hers, the feathery touch leaving her skin burning from contact.

Frantically, she pulled his head in towards hers. Three years of passion, love, and trust began spilling out in the form of kisses and touches. It was not like their undercover kiss. This was like her first kiss in high school. It was one that she would remember for the rest of his life, and judging by his heavy breathing, she was sure that Castle would as well. Smiling, she rested her forehead against his.

"Wow." She breathed lightly. Her head was spinning out of control. She really didn't want them to go much further. After all, sex in a taxicab is very…awkward. It was neither of their styles either. She cuddled into Rick's side, closing her eyes and letting her mind wander in the blissful euphoria they had created.

* * *

**AN: **So there you have it. I'm unsure if I want to continue it or not. Please leave me a review and let me know if you liked it, and if you think I should continue. Thanks so much to everyone who's subscribed/liked this. It means a whole lot to me :)


	6. Author's Note

Hey guys!  
I know you all were expecting another chapter, I'm really sorry to disappoint.

I loved writing this story and I loved all the awesome reviews and alerts you guys sent me.

I don't know where else to take it. I'm not a strong enough writer yet. So many people could take the idea I had and run with it, but I'm stuck in terms of ideas. Maybe I'll pick it up later down the road, maybe not.

I had a blast writing this story and thanks so much to all of you who took the time to read it!

Cheers,

Geneva


End file.
